bookkbaby:

“Sometimes, I wish I could want you the way you want me.”

Dean pauses in tightening the drawstring on his pants. He turns to stare at Cas in mute surprise and his chest aches at the soft melancholy on Cas’s face.

Cas is lying down in their bed, watching Dean the way he always does. Dean’s halfway into his pajamas, but Cas’s eyes don’t darken with lust when he looks over Dean’s bare chest. Castiel’s gaze is studious and piercing, but it’s not intent like the gazes of any of Dean’s lovers before Cas.

It’s a different kind of intensity, one that’s almost uncomfortable at first, but something Dean wouldn’t trade for the world.

“Hey, we talked about this,” Dean says. He abandons his pajama shirt and climbs into bed. Cas immediately moves into the circle of Dean’s arms and slides his arms around Dean in a reciprocal embrace. Cas sighs and relaxes, nuzzling his head into Dean’s neck.

“I know,” Cas says simply. “But still, I-”

Dean shakes his head. Cas falls silent.

“I don’t need anything else, ok?” Dean says. It hadn’t been easy, not at first, but when Dean had really thought about it, there had only been one choice he could bear making.

Life with Cas meant life without sex, since Cas didn’t want it and Dean was no cheater.

The alternative, a life of one-night stands and weekend flings and eking out something like happiness with everyone but the man Dean loved? Cas, always nearby but untouchable… the thought was unbearable.

Dean loved their nights together. He loved waking up with Cas in his arms, loved the feeling of another warm body next to his in bed, their entwined shapes lovingly recalled by the memory foam mattress. He loved bringing Cas his coffee in the mornings and the ‘good morning’ kisses.

And if Dean missed sex - the easy intimacy, the pleasure, the satisfaction of getting your partner to climax - all he had to do was remember how deeply uncomfortable Cas was at the mere thought of deeper physical intimacies than the kisses and touches they already shared. The memory never failed to spark his protective, devoted instincts and reaffirm his choice.

“I wouldn’t have you any other way,” Dean says softly, smiling when Cas presses a soft kiss to his neck.

“I love you, Dean,” Cas says quietly. Dean holds him tighter.

“I love you too.”

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